


Think about it.

by Nemurenai



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-24
Updated: 2017-05-11
Packaged: 2018-10-23 10:58:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10718046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nemurenai/pseuds/Nemurenai
Summary: "When did you get so cool Yamaguchi?" The blonde before me lets out a low laugh.Yamaguchi finds himself caught up in his own feelings.





	1. Chapter 1

He had always been in front of me.

His broad shoulders, strong arms and straight back.

There wasn't anything unfamiliar about it.

Seeing it gave me a sense of comfort.

A feeling of reassurance that no one could replace.

 

* * *

 

 

_"When did you get so cool Yamaguchi?" The blonde before me lets out a low laugh._

 

It plays again and again, over and over in my head till it drives me insane, I can't sleep. I can't even close my eyes without his smile haunting me. His lips curling and his voice wavering. It sends shivers up my spine.

I look over and I can make out his faint outline beside me darkness. So close, yet so far and my chest tightens a little.

 

Was it fear?

Was it anxiety?

Perhaps it was both.

 

Whatever it was I couldn't shake it off. I could feel it gnawing into my sides, feeding on that tiny grain of unease in my stomach. But the fatigue from practice won over and I could feel my eyelids growing heavy and my breathing easing into a slow, consistent inhale and exhale before sleep overtook me.

 

* * *

 

I woke up to one of my seniors calling my name, eyes fluttering open with bleary focus.

"Morning...." I mumble as I rub the sleep from my eyes. Sitting up I find the room empty. I could hear the echo of footsteps and lively chatter in the hallway, sounds of the morning.

Suddenly what happened last night hit me, it had felt like a distant dream just moments ago and now it was all rushing back to me. Nervousness crept through my body as I gathered my belongings and neatened up the futon, scanning the room one last time before I went to get changed and have breakfast.

As I made my way down to the cafeteria I laid eyes on familiar faces, Nishinoya was literally crawling over Tsukki as the two bickered. Suga-san warning the two to behave themselves.

I smiled a little, everything felt like it was back to normal, which was what I wanted to think. But my chest tightened a little and my heart was racing. The prospect of breakfast wasn't as welcoming as it should have been, but I knew I had to consume something otherwise it would affect the days training.

 

"Morning Yamaguchi!"

"Good morning Yamaguchi."

My seniors greeted me warmly and I returned them along with a shy smile whilst sitting myself down opposite Tsukki.

 

"G-good morning Tsukki." The words felt like lead in my throat.

He gave a small nod in response, placing another spoonful of rice in his mouth. Seemingly unaffected by the happenings of the day prior.

All of a sudden my mind was blank. What did I usually say to Tsukki? How did I sit? Where did I look when I was talking to him? All these questions started pouring into my blank mind so much that I thought my head was going to explode.

Staring down at my tray I took a deep breath, picking up the bowl of miso soup in my hands and staring hard at the reflection of the ceiling between the soft ripples.

"Thanks for the meal." The blonde before me placed his chopsticks down and clapped his hands together gently before picking up his tray.

"Ah, um...Tsukki!" my own voice sounded awfully unfamiliar.

There was a moment of silence.

"What is it."

Why did I even say anything? I didn't even know what I wanted to say!! Idiotguchi!!!

"Well, about yesterday..." My heart was racing and I could feel my face turning red. I was holding the bowl in my hands so tightly it could have cracked.

"It's fine." The middle blocker cut in before I could finish. He got up, taking his tray with him as he began to make his way to the cafeteria kitchen.

"Could I...!" I blurted words before I could think. Tsukki turned to look at me, his eyes widening in surprise at my sudden advance.

"Could I ...talk to you when you're free..." I looked to the side, the end of my question trailing into a mumble.

 

"....sure."

 

Tsukki walks off and I put the bowl of soup to my lips. It's gone lukewarm.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hoping I can keep this short and sweet! I thought it was a nice idea to write in first person POV but I'm not 100% sure on being able to write well in it. So apologies for mistakes in grammar/tenses(?) in advance.


	2. Chapter 2

The sound of the ball bouncing and squeak of volleyball shoes fill the gymnasium and the smell of sweat lingers in the air. The sound of a whistle pierces the court, marking the end of the set.

I pick myself up and make my way to the door, ready for the penalty laps. Must be hard on the regulars after playing a full set but they walk over with their heads held high.

"Good job guys." I smile as I wait by the door, "you all did really well!"

We all get ourselves ready and I glance at Tsukki who had positioned himself beside me. He seemed to be rather deep in focus. His eyes staring straight ahead of him with a determined air. I found myself transfixed, couldn't tear my eyes away from such an intense gaze. Perhaps what I said the other night knocked some sense into him.

Daichi's voice breaks me out of my spell, signalling the start of another gruelling slog up the slope.

Before I know it Tsukki is shooting ahead of me, his long legs propelling him forward effortlessly and the is sight strangely reassuring. Usually the blonde fell behind, as if he had no energy in him. I felt the anxiety that I had held onto dissolving. I didn't make a mistake by pouring my heart out to Tsukki. And as I made my way up the hill, my eyes locked only on one thing as I ran.

 

* * *

 

I glance over and I see Tsukki leaving the gym, shoes in hand as he bows quickly, leaving before anyone can say anything.

I return my gaze to the ball in my hands, tracing the dips with my fingers before I take a breath in, slowly moving into the run up.

 

* * *

 

The ball hits the net and falls to the ground, yet again. How many times has it been now?

If I asked myself why the serve didn't go well. I wouldn't be able to think of an answer, let alone make up an excuse.

The sight of Tsukki leaving the gym was tugging at the corners of my mind. I had noticed the eager movement of his long strides and a familiar determined face which occupied my thoughts. I should have been relieved that Tsukki was motivated, but that feeling was seemingly pushed aside by a sense of unease.

I dropped the ball I was holding. Suddenly muttering some incomprehensible excuse to my seniors as they watched me exit the gymnasium. Making a mental note that I should probably head back and apologise later.

Outside the air outside was cool. Clouds were scattered thinly across the sky, allowing for the stars to peek through and a slight breeze tugged me along as the scenery prompted the happenings of the night before to unfolded yet again in my mind.

I came across the third gymnasium, energetic shouts emanating from the open door.

Peeking in I laid eyes on a familiar silhouette amongst not so unfamiliar faces. I had watched enough practice matches to know that these people weren't ordinary players.

I felt my hands curling by my sides as Kuroo, the one with the black hair, slapped Tsukki on the back in an overly familiar fashion to which Tsukki winced in response. He doesn't like that sort of physical contact. Everyone in the gym seemed to get so close to Tsukki, didn't they know he doesn't like it? 

I stood there for longer than I wanted to, my legs wouldn't move. A part of me wanted to leave - what good would it do to interfere with perfectly normal training? Another part wanting to storm in and drag Tsukki away. Everyone was getting in his face and invading his personal space. Maybe Tsukki was just too polite to leave. 

I couldn't help but argue with myself as I lingered by the door, eyeing the blonde's every movement. Noting each time Kuroo pet him on the shoulder or somebody talked to him.

Realising that I was involuntarily clenching my jaw I figured that it was probably best if I had left.

Spinning around I began to make my way back to the school's main building, wondering if I could take a bath before dinner stopped being served.

 

"Yamaguchi." An all too familiar voice cut through the air, causing me to halt abruptly.

My heart sank, I wasn't emotionally prepared for this, even though I assumed I was.

Slowly I turn around, gaze choosing to focus anywhere to avoid eye contact with the middle blocker, settling for a for a tree over his right shoulder.

"What did you want to talk about."

My eyes moved to trace his lips, the way they opened and closed and the way his voice was like water, running over polished stones.

My lips parted. Then closed. My throat was dry.

"....if there's nothing then I'll be leaving." The blonde turns to make his exit and the sight of his back jolts me to attention.

 

"TSUKKI!"

 

He turns around again to look at me and I meet his gaze.

"I've always....." I fumbled to work my words and thoughts simultaneously. Why did I feel so upset? Frustrated? Why were my thoughts and emotions so inconsistent?

"I've always been behind you, chasing after you...and to me that's been a privilege. Yet that other night I felt like you weren't there anymore. I wanted...to give you a push but now I'm... afraid."

Afraid was probably an understatement, no words could express the creeping fear of losing sight of the one thing that had kept me moving forwards throughout the years.

Tsukki looked at me, his brown eyes unblinking. He didn't say anything but I knew that he was waiting for me to finish. My fingers felt numb from pushing them together so tightly, as if it would somehow speed up the mental process of sorting out my feelings.

"But at the same time, I'm afraid you'll go too far. So far that I won't be able to keep up with you anymore... I'm not sure how I feel... I can't really explain it very well..."

At this point I feel like I'm just speaking for the sake of speaking. So that Tsukki will listen. So that the boy before me will stay, one second, one moment longer.

There's a pause which feels like eternity, my eyes turning to the ground. Tsukki doesn't rush me. In fact, he seemed to be waiting for something.

 

"....is that it?"

 

"Huh?" I look up, confused.

 

_What else am I supposed to say?_

 

I scan the blonde's face quickly to see if I can gather some sort of hint, a clue, from his expression. He's wearing that neutral expression he always has, an unreadable mask that seemed to accompany the stiff atmosphere and it has me lost for words.

 Slowly, the taller boy turns to head back to the gymnasium. He stops for a moment, "Think about it." He says before striding back indoors.

I'm left alone once again with my heart and my mind racing. What did he mean? Was there something I shouldn't have said? So many questions flew through my mind but after a long moment of being lost in thought. There was only one question that resonated in my mind.

 

"Why does my heart hurt so much?"


	3. Chapter 3

"Yachi-san." my voice seemed a lot louder than it usually was.

"Yes?!" The manger looked up from her desk, the stressed look she always wore melting away at the sight of me.

"Umm... Are you free right now? Would you have a moment?"

"Oh sure!" She flashed a small smile and I could feel my nervousness dissipate. Yachi always seemed so welcoming.

Pulling up a chair I sat myself opposite her, making sure there were no pairs of prying eyes or ears around before turning to look at the blonde manager who seemed eager to hear what I had to say.

"I... need some advice." I sigh, glancing down at my hands clasped tightly over my knees.

"I'll do my best!!" Yachi replied almost immediately, energetic and full of promise as always.

"T-thanks..." For a moment, I feel that perhaps everything will be alright, but the overwhelming nervousness begins bubbling up once again as I part my lips to begin.

"Say...you and a friend have an argument...well not really an argument but you say some pretty selfish things...and well, they tell you to "think about it"...what are you even supposed to do?" I clasped my hands together beneath the table. The summary is as vague as I could make it, but hopefully it was enough to get some advice.

Yachi stares hard at the desk for a moment, creases stretching out over her forehead as she thought. Until finally she looked up as if she'd had some sort of revelation, "I'd probably puke from stress." She answered honestly.

"Oh..." I wasn't sure whether to be surprised or not by her answer. 

"But..." She quickly added, "if you're friends I think they would have said what they did because they want you to realise and decide on your own, what's important in your friendship."

 

My eyes widened a little, "what's important in our friendship...'

 

I had never thought deeply about it. To me Tsukki had always been a good friend. I never questioned our relationship because, well was there really ever a need?

"But I'm not necessarily correct! I mean it's just what I think." Yachi continued as she picked up a pencil and slowly drew little circles in her notebook "but if they're comfortable enough to tell you I think...they must really treasure you." A gentle smile spread across her face as I watched the pencil twirl and suddenly stop as I spoke again.

"How do I even act around them... Sometimes when I see him...I start panicking and ...well my mind just goes blank. "

Yachi pauses, "That's what he wants you to figure out...I guess." Her words seem careful, deliberate even, as if there were some sort of minefield before her.

I look out the window and scan the horizon aimlessly, eyes settling on a lone cloud in the distance. There was a lot to consider.

"Thank you Yachi-san." I felt like part of that strange weight in my chest had lifted, just a little, a genuine smile spreading across my face as I turned to look at her.

"Oh not at all!" She returns the smile, watching me get out of my seat, "I'm sure that everything will be okay."

The bell rings and the room starts to fill with the sound of footsteps and shuffling chairs and as I wonder back to my classroom. I lay eyes on the blonde middle blocker as I walk through the door, his headphones on, a hand propping his chin up as he gazes out the window. The sight stifles my breath a little, as if breathing would disturb the silent air around him. 

Tearing my eyes away and sitting down I tell myself that everything is going to be alright.


	4. Chapter 4

"I'm going this way Tsukki." I gesture down the street.

 "Right." Tsukki nods as puts his headphones back on, sliding his hands in his pocket as he walks on, "see you."

I watch as he disappears down the road without as much as a glance back and a feeling of disappointment settles in my chest. Whether it was from the awkward dismissal at the training camp or the one-sided tension that I had formed between the two of us recently, I wasn't too sure.

The sun is just settling on the horizon as my legs carry me to Shimada-san's store, were the person himself was waiting for me.

"Hey Tadashi! Are you ready to go?"

I smile weakly and nod, there wasn't any time to feel sorry for myself. These sessions were precious and I had to get my serves right before the spring tournament or I would regret it later.

 

* * *

 

Shimada-san spun the ball in his hands pensively as I dropped myself onto a crate at the side of the store, wiping the sweat from my face.

"Say, Tadashi..." He twirled the ball in his hands before tossing it up, "…is everything alright?"

I almost choked on my spit. Straightening myself before looking over at the bespectacled man, "I guess...there have been a few things on my mind."

He catches the ball and pauses for a moment, "I'm not going to ask you what it is but I can tell you, it's showing in your practice."

"...is it?" I scratch the back of my neck, avoiding his gaze. I can't deny that despite reprimanding myself about being distracted, my thoughts constantly wondered during practice.

Shimada-san sighs a little and walks over, placing the ball firmly in my hands, "there's not long till the spring tournament Tadashi, you don't really have time to be distracted by other things if you want to get better at your jump floats... I'm not saying to ignore the problem but I think it's best if you managed whatever's on your mind before you focus on practice." He places a hand on my shoulder as I try to look him in the eyes, "and if you need any help I'm happy to give you advice."

I smile sheepishly while nodding, "thank you...but I think I'll be alright."

That was a lie.

I pick up my belongings and thank Shimada-san for his time, making my way home in the dark.

The nights were getting quite cold recently, which was a welcome sort of change to the seemingly stuffy atmosphere between me and Tsukki. The trip home alone seemingly a lot shorter than I had remembered as useless thoughts crowded my mind.

Upon arriving home, I fall back on top of the bed sheets. Running my hands over my face while thinking about everything that had happened recently.

Obviously the issue was getting out of hand if it was influencing my practice to the point it was noticeable. But in all honesty, I had avoided thinking about it too deeply, despite all the advice I was given and the emotions that I had to constantly suppress. It was a sign that I couldn't feign ignorance any longer.

Letting out an exasperated sigh I stared at the ceiling.

 

I've spent so much time with Tsukki that I can tell what sort of mood he's in at a glance. When he's teasing, playful, irritated or straight up angry. Yet for him to actively hide from me what he meant by "think about it" was frustrating to say the least. Why wouldn't he just tell me?

Grumbling, I flip over to face the sheets, "Tsukki why can't you just tell me how you feel..."

Come to think of it, he never ever mentioned that I was his friend, nor did he ever confirm explicitly whether my interpretation of his emotions were correct. Heck, I don't even know if he likes me? All I've ever made were assumptions gathered from years of observation. I had always been confident about them but now everything seemed like it was falling apart.

I paused for a moment before my thoughts spiralled beyond my reach. Taking deep breaths into the familiar warmth of my sheets. I sigh again.

 ** _Like me?_** Regardless of how Tsukki feels towards me, you could say that I like him. Seeing him achieve great things, pouring his heart into something, that is - volleyball, makes my heart swell and I want to be by his side every step of the way. To see him smile, cry, get frustrated and shout. Seeing each of Tsukki's raw emotions before me, makes me love him all the more.

 

**_Love him?_ **

 

My heart tightens a little. Surely as a friend it was normal to feel proud and supportive. But was it _really_ that simple? Because it didn't explain the whirlwind of emotions I was feeling.

 

The revelation I come to moments later is relatively simple. There's no light bulb moment, no 'ping'. It doesn't take a lot to realise that I like Tsukki more than just a friend. Perhaps I somehow persuaded myself along the way that I would never be more than an acquaintance.

It was a feeling built over years of walks home, nights spent over homework, quiet lunch times and the odd glances. Noticing the way he stood and composed himself, when he chose to speak and what he said, how he said it. Heart racing at his peculiar way of encouragement, glances and stares. Whether it started off as adoration didn't matter because this was the conclusion. **Love**.

To frame it in such a way resolves every questionable emotion I had felt in the past week - the disappointment, the jealously the nervousness and the anxiety. All of it.

Now, more than ever, I couldn't hold back these emotions that had been simmering for so long. I had to tell Tsukki. I had to let him know. Whether the outcome was in my favour or not. Whether this was what I was meant to _"think about"_ didn't matter anymore.

Picking up the belongings I had haphazardly thrown on the ground I unpacked and changed, spending the rest of the evening filled with a strange sort of determination, a resolution to confess my feelings to Tsukki.

I couldn't let this chance slip by.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I planned for this fic to be short, as much as I wanted to slow burn it, I don't think I could keep my writing quality up. So I apologise if people expected something long/dramatic. I hope you'll stick with me to the end!


	5. Chapter 5

The chime of the school bell felt daunting, the signal for an execution, life's end.

The cheery chatter filling the air made my heart sink a little deeper than it already was, the noise blurring into broken static.

I watch on as the room slowly began to empty out, students going home with the intent of enjoying a quiet afternoon with their friends I suppose. How I wished I were doing that.

 

The room was almost empty now, save a few lingering classmates and Tsukki, who was at his desk scanning over the pages of a novel.

I approached him quietly after zipping up my bag. The resolution I had the night before quickly evaporating as the blonde looked up.

"Ah...Tsukki..." I swallowed, feeling his golden eyes rest on me made my heart race.

"What is it?" He lowered his book and turned a little in his chair, panic beginning to well up in my chest as his eyes caught mine.

"Could we.... walk home together?" I stutter, fiddling with the strap of my bag as I try to keep composed, working hard to read any changes on the blonde's face. But unsurprisingly, there were none.

He silently closed his book and slid it into his bag, slinging it over his shoulder before standing up.

 

_Act normal Tadashi. Normal._

 

Tsukki paused for a moment before he started, looking at me with curious eyes, "you don't usually ask for permission to walk home together." he noted casually.

 

_Normal._

 

"Ah umm right! I thought I'd ask...just change of pace y'know?!" My voice broke a little.

He paused for a moment, as if to consider the absurd logic of my strange reply before giving a small shrug, heading out the door as I trailed after him.

 

_That probably wasn't normal._

 

* * *

 

The streets are empty, void of anyone besides the two of us. Well of course it was, it's already dark, the night closing in on us. It feels as if the world has abandoned me. Pointless thoughts are swimming in my mind, I assume as a sort of attempt to guard myself from the incoming series of events.

I knew that I had to do this. Not only was it effecting my training and performance during volleyball, it would just be easier to get this over and done with. Whatever the outcome was, it would most likely be more ideal than wallowing in all the possibilities through sleepless nights.

Taking a deep breath in I turn to the blonde beside me, stopping ourselves underneath the yellow tinted glow of a streetlamp.

 

"Tsukki."

 

The blonde paused, catching my gaze, his silence a gesture to continue.

"I've thought about...a lot." My brow furrowed.

Again, "a lot" was probably an understatement. I wasn't sure how many days Tsukki's words had driven me to sleepless nights and troubled wake. I wanted to tell him. How he was more than just a friend, how he had picked me up off the ground, how he was my support, my pillar. But I held it back.

"I've thought and thought ...and thought..." My voice started getting caught in my throat and I could feel my eyes prickling, "You're smart Tsukki, you have talent, you're a capable person..."

"And?"

 

_Tsukki doesn't like it when people don't get to the point._

 

"And well...compared to me, I'm not that smart, I'm not great at volleyball like you are."

I'm starting to forget that whole speech I prepared last night. I guess this means even god has abandoned me now.

"And I admire you Tsukki, but admiration isn't the only thing. I realised these past few days that I don't want to be that person that just watches you from the sidelines. I don't want to be that person that's constantly chasing you."

 

Did my voice always sound so fragile? So small?

 

"I want to be there beside you and I want to be there to support you. I want us both to be better than what we think we can be."

Suddenly the tears won't stop falling, Tsukki's face is just a blur through it all.

 

_Oh yeah. Tsukki doesn't like it when I ramble. I guess I should cut to the point._

 

"...I like you Tsukki."

 

There, I said it.

 

"I love you Tsukki, more than anyone else." My head drops into my hands, muffled sobs escaping from between my fingers into the night.

 

As the words leave my mouth a deep-set fear suddenly emerges, an endless crevasse opening up in my chest, pouring, oozing out, spilling onto the pavement. Breathing seems so difficult all of a sudden. I never knew waiting for a response could be so suffocating.

It's as if time has stopped and the world had been put on mute. All I can hear is the sound of my own sobbing, suppressed by the overwhelming silence of the night.

 

"...You finally said it." A familiar voice rings out, soft, gentle, kind. The Tsukki that I have come to know and love.

His hands reach out and around my waist, gently goading me in, prompting me to wrap my arms around his neck. Burying my damp face into the crook of his neck the lingering smell of his deodorant embracing me as his arms tighten around me. It feels right.

"Took you long enough." A soft murmur escapes as a hand runs through my hair.

I choke out laugh through shaken breaths, "Sorry Tsukki."

I could have sworn I heard a low chuckle, but the relief flooding my body was too overwhelming to even focus.

The two of us stood there for a moment, bathed in the flickering yellow of the street light. Like a spotlight in the darkness of an empty auditorium. There's no fanfare, no cheers or shouts, no prying eyes. Just the two of us.

 

When I pull away after what seems like eternity I look up at Tsukki and wipe the remaining tears from my eyes. He's wearing that indifferent look but the corner of his lip is curled up, just ever so slightly. Enough to abolish any of the remaining fears I was holding onto.

A laugh bubbles from my chest and out my lips as I clung onto the blonde's sleeves as if he would slip between my fingers and disappear into the night. He looks down at me with a glance that seemed to ask, "are you done?".

I nod quietly as I drop my hands to the sides, he's still here. _Thank god_. A sudden feeling of fatigue washing over me.

"Yamaguchi." The blonde holds his hand out hesitantly, his lips suddenly pursed into an awkward line, cheeks tinted pink. I look up at him, then back at his outstretched hand.

My face melts into a smile, which in turn makes his face glow bright red as our fingertips brush before I take his hand, lacing my fingers between his, squeezing them tightly. His hands are so big, warm and comforting.

"Should we get something to eat Tsukki?"

"Maybe you should wipe the snot off your face first." I can see a slight smile dancing on his lips, his voice fringed with a familiar teasing tone.

I let out the first genuine laugh I have in a while, everything feels so light. Everything seems back to normal, nothing has really changed.

 

Except maybe one thing.

 

I'm not looking at his back anymore. He's here, right beside me.  

Looking up at the sky I pray to the first star that I see that I never have to let go of this hand in mine. With that I give his hand another gentle squeeze, he squeezes back.

 "I love you Tsukki!"

 "Shut up Yamaguchi."

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for making it all the way through! I really hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I did writing it.  
> I could think of a million things to add inbetween but as I mentioned in the previous chapter I don't want my writing quality to drop/loose motivation just to cram in chapters. So here it is, short and sweet.
> 
> I think for this pair I like how Tsukki and Yamagchi both encourage each other in different ways, same with the ways in that they communicate and honestly it's something that I really appreciate. Tsukki treasures Yamaguchi in a very special way and I find it so endearing!
> 
> Please let me know what you thought!  
> Until next time.


End file.
